whats past is prolouge

Well, this blog here is starting without a title, I know exactly what the content of this blog is going to be, i just haven't figured out which title of the few i have in mind that i should use.

I remember my original blogs, the first couple of posts that i wrote and i remember how i deleted them not too long after. People had took interest and i had exposed myself further than i ever had before showing perhaps a side of myself that no one really knew even existed. In essence they were the ramblings of a guy whom had just found himself single after a fairly stressing and emotional break up. A whole lot of scepticism on the subject of love, whilst i believe it was fairly well written and cold as opposed to emotional I believe anyone reading it could tell that perhaps at the time, i was quite emotional.

Today is the same subject matter, hopefully less scepticle of love and certainly without the emotions i felt the last time around. It is this lack of emotion that leads me to believe that this time, the post will not be recalled because the situation will never be resolved in the way it was previously.

So again i find myself single, as i sit here typing this i have just come from an argument with the only guy i have ever loved and at this point in time, i'm not sure i could really give a shit.

That may sound cold, that may sound callous but it is absoloutely the truth. The relationship itself had not been something which provided more happiness than annoyances for a long time, infact for the most part it was a relationship of out of proportion arguments, selfishness and taking for granted. As always there is two sides to any argument and whilst i'll happily admit to some wrong doing, if you're reading this, unless you're one of a very select few you wont be hearing the other side of it. I am actually glad for that as your sanity will be spared, unfortunatly my ex-partner is not as rational as i am myself and you would likely encounter what would be a rollercoaster of emotions, spitefull insults and petty lies. I think it's a good thing he wont have much of an audience for that, as he probably only has around 10 friends on facebook anyway.

I put a lot of effort into making the relationship work, as i believe he did at most points and due to that, it is hard to really understand when it is time to let go, when enough is enough and that any hope of being together and happy in the future is so distant and unlikely a dream that it would be futile to strive toward. You don't want to decide enough is enough too early on, you may miss out on something great, yet you don't want to do it too late in the day lest you lose your mind to insanity.

I think i tried for longer than i perhaps should have done so, the arguments were becoming frequent and i a few times questioned the relationship and whether or not it was good for me. The answer was always the same in my mind 'We can make this work with effort' and i still believe to some extent that was true up until the last few weeks at which point it became impossible to fix, but when you're the only one willing to change that's bound to happen.

On reading this post, i am sure it is easy enough to assume that i do not love my ex-partner still and i had found i questioned that from time to time too. In all honesty my love for him is not the same as it once was, it has not been as strong or potent as it used to be for a short while now, but undoubtedly i still do love him but as of writing this i do not feel i am in love with him, he probably feels the same, i couldn't care enough to ask.

I honestly feel that at this point, the relationship is done, for now, for in the future and that it will never be salvaged or made up. I hope that someday myself and simmons can become friends again and who knows, after some time i could find myself feeling that a relationship with him again would be something i'd like but right now i do not feel that is on the cards. For such to happen, a very serious, long talk would need to ensue and i just do not see that happening.

This leads me onto love in general, I find that throughout my relationship my take on love has changed, it's evolved and devolved, it has shifted and shifted back. It leads me to believe that love is not one single state of mind across all people that can be identified in the same ways. Love is of different strengths, of different kinds and in general differs greatly.

Is love worth it? It's one of the first questions i find myself asking when things go wrong and it's easy enough to say no without thinking. It is, i have a lot to thank simmons for in the time we were together, he for the very most part is a great guy and i don't blame him for what has happened here, i feel we grew a part over time and neither of us stopped that from happening and now it's too late. Love hurts though and only a fool or one who had never really felt it would deny that. It's not something i wish to experience again for quite some time to come but will one day welcome it with open arms.

In all honesty i do hope that in time myself and simmons can reconcile our differences and have the talk that we need to have. I hope that on that day perhaps we will see an oppertunity to again be together, i'm not going to hold my breath for it though and i'm certainly not going to allow myself to dwell on it or feel bad over it.

Now, it's time to go listen to some more music and talk to a few people on MSN and facebook. I have work tomorrow, a job i'm really starting to hate, but don't most people also hate their jobs?

Well, if you read this, i apologise for the fact it's a little personal and probably not all that interesting a read, I just like to get things off of my chest and i find writing is a great way to do that, it helps me to stay positive :)

Ciao for now!