The final thoughts, 2 topics!

So i went to bed and fell asleep somewhere between 2 and 4 hours ago, i'm not one hundered percent sure and now i find myself wide awake and unable to fall back to sleep, certainly not for the lack of wanting to. On waking up i went to get myself a pint of ice cold milk as i find that it sometimes helps. Obviously though the milk did not have the desired effect on me and after 10 minutes with no sign of sleep nearing i decided to get up.
I took the oppertunity to make myself a little more familiar with the work of the recently deceased Michael Jackson. I downloaded his album of numbers ones and upon listening to them find myself a little puzzled. The songs are certainly catchy, i even like some of them. He had a fantastic voice and his passion really does come across in the music. I do however find the music for the most part isn't quite to my taste. Random noises and emphasis on irrelevent words in his songs seem to make them hard to listen to, at least for me and i find that it is slightly annoying in some songs. Either way, i can appriciate his music and understand why it is that he was so sucessful despite his somewhat bizzare and perhaps slightly tragic life. I will give it another listen a time when i am awake through choice, perhaps then i will find the chaotic nature of his songs a little less offensive on the ears and enjoy it a little more.

well now i have some R.E.M on, which i believe is more suited to my current state of mind and more relaxing, which is perhaps just what the doctor ordered in my quest for sleep. At least it is hopefully a start, i will probably soon move onto a bit of queen, perhaps some of the softer creed songs too.

You know, i still get a lot of questions pertaining to my sexuality, usually in a day i can expect two or more people to in someway question something to do with it. Sometimes these people are people i haven't spoken to for a long while who have seen my facebook, heard something from someone else or some how came to the knowledge that i'm a fag, sometimes these people are people who've known a while and perhaps a certain question comes up in general conversation. I have yet to be up 30 minutes and have already answered a few of the more 'usual' questions. In all seriousness i do not mind the questions, infact the impression i usually get from people asking is that of genuine intrigue or the desire to understand better something which is a little hard to understand if you're not that way... at least to some people. The questions are in a way quite nice, the fact that people take the time to show interest and to better understand is almost heart warming. The questions usually take a fairly uniform route, i could easily write in notepad a few prewritten responses and answer them all without the person ever knowing. 'How long have you known?' 'How did you know?', these are probably 2 of the most common questions and the answers to them are plainly simple and answering them as questions with the words 'you were straight?' on the end would be enough, if i were a bitchy person.
The point is, like any sexuality, i believe homosexuality becomes aparent at around the same time that any straight person would realise they like the opposite sex. How does one know they are gay? Instead of that attraction to the opposite sex it is to the same sex, which of course would pretty much be the definition of homosexuality anyway.

I don't think i've ever really blogged about my general views on homosexuality, it's portrayal or the specific struggles and grievances i had, when discovering it was the affliction with which i was burdened. I think i will do so, trying to touch on a few of the key feelings i have toward it, how those feelings have changed and what i think it means to me. Now, this means a slightly deep blog at points most likely, but hopefully i can keep it interesting with similes between homosexuality and bad things.

For years, as i've probably mentioned in my blogs previously at some point or another and if not i've certainly mentioned to some friends in conversation, i disliked, perhaps even hated gay people, at least in some form. Realising that i myself was gay, i felt that the general demeanor of gay people was not only the basis for a stereotype which i found myself hating but one i thought i would be one day stigmatised with. It always seemed to me like so many gays would purposely conform to this stereotype for some reason which i could never quite work out. My own predjudices led me to believe it would be impossible for others to view me outside of the stereotype. All the people i had known who had been gay conformed in some often times large way to it and the thought that I as a person would be banded in with that was to me an offensive thought. I was not like a lot of the gay people i had seen, either those in real life or those on television, i was just some 'normalish' guy who happened to be gay but how could that be? Was i not meant to like prancing around as opposed to walking? Ballet as opposed to wrestling? pop as opposed to metal and rock? Was i also not meant to be incredibly flambouyant in everything i did or extremely emotional as opposed to rational? When all i had to judge myself by was a select few who conformed to the stereotype i became a little confused, self hating infact. I hated what i saw, i hated that i would be labled as anything to do with that.
The point is, whilst i viewed the 'gay community' with such abhorring, i myself was becoming my own worst enemy. I alone had become more predjudiced than most others. Thankfully, it is hard to hate something which is key to ones self, eventually something has to give and as i grew up, seeing here and there people whom i would describe as normal who were actually gay i found myself able to over time change my view on it. I began to see that stereotypes, whilst often based on the general behaviour in any group or minority, never speaks for the whole. This allowed me to really view myself as acceptable.
Homosexuality though was still something which puzzled me, logically speaking the whole idea of it is completely unsound. The idea behind relationships is that of procreation, of which there is none in homosexual coupling (i'm talking natural procreation here folks!). There seemingly from a logical stand point is absoloutely no reason for any person to conform to homosexualty. I still do not understand fully how nature selects or why. There are of course many theories out there as to why homosexuality occurs and I find all of them to be things that if proven could prove detrimental to myself and other homosexuals. The most plausable, at least in my mind is that of genetics. The idea that it is decided before birth. There is some evidence to suggest it and study shows that there are differences biologically between breeders and sodomisers. Most importantly, it is said that homosexuals have slightly longer and thicker penis's in general to those of their straight counterparts... hehe, i'm kidding... i mean, that is based factually, but it isn't the most important point... oh dear, what have i gotten myself into, thankfully, i blocked my nan and sister from reading these blogs and i must check that i also disallow access to my little brother as soon as i post this. Point is, i'm not going to go through the biological differences, if you care enough, you can easily go and wikipedia them yourselves but they do seem to exist. Other theories against this 'nature' include the way we are brought up, our relationships with parents, siblings and the like. Some idiots even believe it is possible to change your sexuality throughout life, but i'm not going to give any credit to those buffoons for their ridiculous theory. Now, if it were ever proven to be biological, i can only see bad effects coming from it. It would be seen as a flaw in genetics by haters, we would be the next mentally ill people through birth defect to them and i don't think that any good would come from it. Sympathy, perhaps... but seriously, any self respecting gay person does not want sympathy... some of us actually figure out how to be happy about it.

Homosexuality, is it un-natural? Well, i'm pretty undecided, i must say. It's obvious to me that the natural order of things calls for a male and female, hell our whole existance weighs on that partnership between man and woman and us fags really don't contribute to the survival of our species in that way. The argument could be made that it is un-natural because of that. The point that homosexuality is observed at around the same rate (somewhere between 8 and 10%) in animals is the counter argument. Perhaps it is a way of controling population but again, that isn't exactly a sound idea due to the lack of change in those percentages over time.
I guess personally that i feel it has no real purpose, no real reason, it just is. I went through a period of not really wanting to accept anything but an answer as to why i am who i am, but upon thinking about it if i applied the same desire to most of my personality traits, quirks and preferences i would get very few answers. We're all different in our own ways i guess. It's no more natural or un-natural than any preference.

Marraige? Well this one is tough. You know, a lot of gay rights faggots protest really hard for this and why? I don't understand it. Civil partnerships come with all of the benefits or marraige, under a different name, so what's the problem? The religious people want to keep marraige the sacred union between man and woman, they don't want our sodomising selves apart of that... just let them have what they want... who gives a damn if the name is different? Although, i am completely in support of civil partnerships, i believe they're filling a gap which needed filling. If a guy wants to have the legal benefits of marraige another guy, or a woman another woman, i don't see the issue. Anyone opposing these are bigoted.

I'm not going to go into religious views on homosexuality, i touched on some catholic ones in a previous blog. The fact of the matter is, all religions based on the bible take their own interpretations from it. The book of Leviticus is widely open to such interpretations and is very hazy in parts. With the assumption that the passage often quoted in the argument against homosexuality was based simply on homosexuality as a whole, it does indeed seem to speak out against it but what we have there is most probably taken out of context, the word abomination not translating all that well and generally the ridiculousness that eating shell fish is also viewed in the same light... leviticus is the basis of christian based faiths dislike for homosexuality and on such a vague mention i find basing an actual opinion on it to be ignorant.

I went through countless years of trying to sort out the homosexuality issue in my mind, it's not an easy one to really understand or make logical and it probably had a detrimental effect on me at times. I made a much bigger deal of it than i needed to. When i told my mother for instance, there was absoloutely no issue there and there she said i should have told her sooner, the point was that i couldn't, i couldn't have asked her to accept me whilst i couldn't accept it myself. Thankfully though, in recent years i have found myself with some really great friends, who are open to diversity, unbigoted and generally good people. it is though only the past year and 2 - 3 months that i have truely gotten to the point that i could accept it fully and i must say i owe that to my wonderfull other half who at this moment in time is sleeping... he fell asleep with his camera still on from when we were lying in bed talking earlier and so i get to glance at him every so often and take a screenshot to show him when he wakes up of the ridiculously cute facial expressions he makes when sleeping.

Coming to terms with this, was harder than it should have been, but with some good friends, an accepting family, my guy and of course the friends i initially told who were more help than i could ever give them credit for, whether it was listening to me rant, making the odd gay joke that other people didn't take notice of, or just being supportive, their acceptance was the first step.

Also, a special thanks to the one guy who made this all happen, the guy who commandeered one of my accounts on a forum and posted a picture of myself and simmons. Seriously, you're a cunt but you did me a great service :)

Well that is pretty much the end to my thoughts on homosexuality and hopefully, if anyone has any questions in the future, i can just point them to this blog and be done with it. Also, it means i shouldn't need to mention it again in the blog in such general terms, which is good. I'm tired of writing about it!

Right, i'm going to end this blog here. This will soon sink into the bottomless hole that is my blog where it belongs and i shall listen to a few more songs before once again attempting to sleep.